Bacon

This is such a silly “recipe.” Do you need to know how to wrap bacon around a hot dog and put onions and red bell peppers on it? No. You totally caught me wanting to do something I’ve wanted to do for a loooong time.

Bacon wrapped hot dogs are always that “post bar 4th meal” kind of thing that happens totally by accident. If you live in LA (or have visited), you’re probably familiar with these bacon hot dog stands that exist on the sidewalks of East LA after-hours. If you’re not, then it’s definitely something you should experience at least once–they’re pretty amazing.

Better yet, save your dollarzzz on a plane ticket, splurge on some shoes (I know you got some in mind) and just follow this super “joke of a recipe”!

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I’m doing this thing–not sure if I told you–where I cook alongside Bravo’s new show, Around the World in 80 Plates (which airs each Wednesday at 10pm/9pmc on Bravo!!). Wherever they go, I go…kinda sorta.

Each week they’re in a different international city cooking away and competing, stressing out and being judged, while I stay home, turn on some music, make a dish (corresponding with each city), all while intermittently checking Instagram and texting away–it’s fun!

This week’s show takes place in the gastronomy capital of the world, Lyon, France. Um…this location had my brain in knots because it’s like the equivalent of someone letting me loose in fifty combined Chanel boutiques and saying, You can have whatever one thing you like. Too many options! Too much pressure!

I had lots of elaborate dishes on my brain, but I kept circling back around to my favorite salad ever: Salade Lyonnaise. This salad is everything. There’s frisée tossed in a bacon mustardy vinagrette topped with a perfectly poached egg. And sprinkles of salt and pepper make it extra pretty. Nothing fancy. Total simpleness at its best.

I now welcome you to the sandwich version…

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We all love Larry David, right? I’m just going to speak for everyone, and say yes, yes we all love Larry David. Now, have you seen his recent parking lot fiasco? He’s confused by the parking lot ticket machine, people are honking, someone has to get out of their car to assist him–the whole thing is just incredible. It made me recall my very own, real life Larry David encounter, and omg did it not disappoint. It was Curb Your Enthusaism in real life. IRL!!!

STORY TIIIIIME!

A few Christmases ago, I was on a flight from LA to Miami. I got off the ridiculously packed flight, headed down to baggage claim and waited–along with the rest of the gajillion people that were on my flight. We waited, and waited, and waited some more. We waited so long that my dad got sick of driving around in circles and finally parked the car to join me in this epically long wait. As we were all learning this horrible lesson in patience, I looked up and noticed this really tall man with bushy grey hair, a wrinkled blazer, faded jeans and a worn baseball cap standing directly in front of me. It was Larry David. And he was looking around looking really, really confused.

A small latin man approached him and told him in broken English that he was his driver. Larry nodded. The driver motioned for him to go to wait in the car. And Larry, in his famous awkward disposition, was like, “Ok, ok, well you’re gonna get my luggage then?” The driver nodded.

Larry wasn’t done. He continued, “Ok, ok, well it’s gonna be the black suitcase. But they’re all gonna be black, so you have to check the tag. It’ll be the black one. Make sure you check the tag.” The driver nodded, obviously having done this a million times. Larry left…only to return, I’m not kidding you, like a minute later. He asked, “Which one is your car? The black one? Which black one?” The driver proceeded to tell him which black car was his. Larry left. Again.

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On Monday morning I did something totally crazy.

I reached for my cell, dialed Time Warner and cancelled my cable. This was a desperate measure to take my life back. Sound dramatic? Probably. But last week I called my mom to discuss Bethenny and Jason’s marriage, which sort of seems on the rocks (right?!!?). And on Sunday night I was all like, “Whoa Cythia! That orphan comment you said about Kim was craaaazy messed up. KIM, DON’T FORGIVE HER!”

I have to draw the line sometimes, you know? Being invested in TV relationships is just too much for me right now. I can’t deal. I’d rather spend my life thinking about other things…like bacon and popcorn, and cookies with brown butter in them.

Also, this means I have more money to spend on shoes. Shoes > Cable. DUH!

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Maple bacon doughnuts are nothing new to my world (evidence: here and here). I lead a lucky life.

And despite me loving them, I’ve never felt the urge to make them myself. When I think of homemade doughnuts, I get sleepy. Sooooo much work. The dough making, the rolling out, cutting out, the two rises and the frying. Ugh. Too much. It’s way easier to drive downtown and pick one up.

A few days ago though, I found a happy compromise: hot oil…but NO rises. Cake doughnuts. Whoa. WHOA.

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I like to think that galettes are like lazy, messy, casual pies. You only sorta have to roll them out. You only sorta have to make them look pretty. But really, the messier the better. It’s about the easy.

I can’t really think of a meal of the day where easy is most welcomed than on a cold, hazy January morning.

Let’s have pie for breakfast. But let’s leave the fruit for the summer. It’s January. So, pie…with runny eggs, lots of cheese and salty bacon.

Too good!

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Pig Candy

in Sides, Snacks

Pig candy is a real thing. Didyouknowthis?

I did not. Until last week when I had dinner at Lou’s, this wine bar in a random strip mall next to an even more random laundromat. In other news, I’ve been pronouncing the word “laudromat” like “laundry-mat…” up until, oh I dunno, like, yesterday.

Not sure if you knew this, but in Los Angeles things like kitchen floors that aren’t made from formica, a washer & dryer in your unit, and a parking space for your vehicle, are all considered luxuries. I have two out of the three and I feel lucky and rich.

Pig Candy. Let’s go back to that.

It’s really special. I’d even go as far as to say that it’s important.

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Hi Jalapeño. Hi Bacon. Hi Cheese.

It’s kind of crazy to think that all those glorious things can exist in one bite…but they do. They totally do.

If you want to see how this is done, jump over to the Tasty Kitchen blog where you’ll find: step-by-step pictures (by me), and a the recipe. This is all so you too can create these bites of awesomeness.

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This week mini-life lessons were just flying all around me. Wanna hear ‘em?! Of course you.

1. If you go to the movies with a boy and he ends up eating ALL of your Sour Patch Kid–that you specifically wanted to buy yourself so you didn’t have to share–and you find yourself annoyed, he’s not the right dude for you. You should WANT to share your Sour Patch Kids, you know?!

2. I just watched Clueless for the bajillioninth time and just realized it came out in 1995…WHAT?! That’s SO long ago. How is it still so amazing?! How are the clothes still relevant?! How do I STILL know practically every line in that movie?!

3. I call my mom too much. The woman has been out of the country for a week and I’ve reached for my phone to text/call her, like, a million times. It makes me feel like an orphan. So now I just email incessantly. And I’ve tried to call my dad to talk…but he just presses ignore, I think.

4. Don’t get addicted to those San Pellegrino Aranciata orange soda things. I’ve bought two six-packs in the past two days and now I’m kinda poor. Don’t go poor because soda. That’s just silly. Everyone knows if you’re gonna go poor because of anything it should be because of shoes.

5. Sweet potatoes aren’t yams. But yams are sweet potatoes. WHAT?! Good gracious, USDA, do you understand how confusing you’re making me/the entire country?

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Hiiii Abby!!!

This blog post is dedicated to Abby.

Abby emailed me a few weeks ago requesting a recipe that could be made in the microwave. You see…Abby is shacking it up in a dorm this year with only two kitchey-type tools at her disposal: a microwave and a mini-fridge. And since she wants to spend her money on more important things like booze, shoes textbooks, she wanted it to be budget friendly.

No biggie, Abby; I got you, gurrrrl!

Meet the Twice Baked Potatoes. They meet the criteria, for sure. They’re perfect for fallish, chilly weather; they take barely any effort/money; and they can be made in either a microwave OR oven. #thricebingo

I made ‘em two ways: decadent and amazing (bacon, cheddar, jalapenos, sour cream) and healthy and good (yogurt, chives, zucchini).

I’m not even gonna pretend the healthy way tastes better. It just doesn’t. BUT it is healthier …so there’s that.

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